But now I returned my attention to Marge. When I was eighteen, I went to a counselor at an alcohol clinic who was an ex-alcoholic—she was good, she asked the right questions. Yes, a week from Tuesday would be fine—no emergency.”. No response. “It was only when he started acting professionally, when he went back into a formal role, that he hurt me. I had often heard writers say a story writes itself, but it was only then that I understood what they meant as one after another of my stories wrote itself. Look at the distress he’s caused you. Suddenly they come upon a carriage, ebony black, cradling a baby girl swaddled in black gauze. I had urged Carlos to differentiate between his core self and other, peripheral attributes or activities. The pre-Socratics defined hubris as “insubordination to divine law”; I was insubordinate, of course, not to divine law but to natural law, the laws that govern the flow of events in my professional field. Then later I could always make contact in the cemetery. You want me to go on? It seeps into your dreams. If, for example, she was able to trust and to reveal herself to me more than to anyone previously, then she contained within herself that experience as well as the ability to do it again. My attention was riveted to her. What did I want from her? Those were twenty-seven days of paradise, and I’d give anything to have them back!”. Marie was not one of the easy ones. He expressed little curiosity about the new treatment plan I had mentioned on the phone. One by one they would break ranks and rush to be the first to congratulate me and ask my forgiveness. We could never test the treposa situation because such meditation retreats usually follow the rule of “noble silence”: no speech whatsoever is permitted. It would be an error, probably a fatal error, either to force Dave into untimely revealing or for me to reveal information he had entrusted to me in our individual work before he started the group. Even though Saul, for seven years, turned over every penny of his earnings to his aunt, he never felt he contributed enough money, and began to set unattainable goals of how much he had to earn each day. Letting her go wouldn’t be a sign of abandoning her or of not loving her, but just the opposite, a sign of really loving her—loving her enough to let her go to another life.”. They gave me lots of antidepressants, which don’t do much except allow me to sleep. “If you’re going to pretend to be a Jewish intellectual, why not furnish your office like one?”. Later when we compared them, it was at times difficult to believe that we described the same hour. Of these facts of life, death is the most obvious, most intuitively apparent. 2 These differing visions were later published as Every Day Gets a Little Closer: A Twice-Told Therapy (New York: Basic Books, 1974). Horrible thing! What about all the other feelings going on inside you that you haven’t expressed? Although Penny voiced no regrets for her behavior—on the contrary, she seemed to relish telling the story—there were, nonetheless, deeper rumblings. His face was lined with despair, causing him to look far older than his sixty-three years; his puffy, hangdog eyes were reddened; his blotchy skin glistened with perspiration. I met with Phyllis and Marvin as a couple for several more sessions. I feel I’m so icky, so creepy and your wife so holy that we couldn’t both be mentioned in the same breath. I spent the morning working on a paper, and around noontime I strolled down to the end of my driveway to collect the mail—I usually read the mail as I eat lunch. “What precisely,” I asked, “was helpful to you in our last hour? A grandfather who told her stories? The moment he shook Dr. K.’s powerful hand, Saul had a vision, redemptive and beatific, of the two of them, he and Dr. K., working side by side as full collaborators. What happened was that a woman, Sonia——”, Here Thelma broke role for a minute and said in a loud stage whisper, “Dr. And from your individual standpoint, I believe it is possible at seventy to discover a new perspective that will permit you to flood retroactively, as it were, your whole earlier life with new meaning and significance. Would you see me? But at the same time she became unaccountably more distressed and reported more sadness and more anxiety. I was so stimulated by this idea that I could hardly wait until the hour was over so I could think more about it. Knowing his penchant for secrecy and intrigue, I could imagine what would happen: he would accidentally let his wife see the key and then devise an obviously false cover story to churn her curiosity; then, as she grew anxious and inquisitive, he would proceed to despise her for snooping and for constricting him by her unseemly suspiciousness. The blindfolded man in the room where he and Phyllis were to make love was particularly intriguing. But it was not until she stumbled upon an extraordinary revelation about the dangers of losing weight that she could make the decision to begin her diet. I didn’t want to make her better. She suffered now, not because she had forgotten the events surrounding Chrissie’s death, but because of the way she had neglected her two sons. Betty mentioned that she hadn’t liked Dr. Farber because he often fell asleep during their hour. He’s a person like anyone else, he struggles to live, he’ll age, he’ll fart, he’ll die.”. “When Dr. C. advised me to have a long talk with Dr. Z. about my pain, I suddenly became very ashamed. A summary of Part X (Section3) in Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. Yalom approaches Carlos in different therapeutically ways; using … If I were forced to assign an official diagnostic label to Marie, I would follow the formula prescribed in the current psychiatric diagnostic and statistical manual and arrive at a precise and official-sounding six-part diagnosis. Trust me, Saul, it’s best not to make irreversible decisions when you’re highly stressed and not functioning (as you yourself have noted) entirely rationally. He emphasized three major points: that she wanted to live, that she needed her body to live, and that cigarettes were a poison to her body. The message:“It is too late. I also did not share Dave’s passion for secrecy, and have many friends, including my wife, with whom I share everything. Can we spend a minute or two establishing our agenda?”. Try to see that. Her major “buts” were that since Dr. Z. had started the job, he—and only he—really knew what was going on in her mouth. What changes in his life had occurred then? So I took pains, for example, to tell Marge (I assumed “Me” heard everything) how much I enjoyed “Me’s” insouciance, vitality, brashness. . I’ve seen hypnosis on TV— the victims look like idiots. I would have liked to have done it differently. How frightened were they? So the two men had said the wrong thing. Perhaps, but Penny had a better explanation for the sadness in both the blackout and the dreams. Only one thing had been changed: Penny took Chrissie’s bed into her own room and slept on it every night. I never heard anything about them since. For one thing, Marge stuttered on every word. How could I reject the letters without his feeling I was rejecting him? So it was clear that I must not underestimate the gravity of the situation: Saul was in extremis, and I must offer some immediate help. “So you depend on her power for protection, and she, in turn, pleads for protection by a magical chant—look where that leaves you. So there’s life after all in San Francisco. This moment, this brief interval between obsessions, was the crucial time for us to work—before Thelma re- established her equilibrium by latching onto something or someone. Or our work for us. And, to my surprise, she offered several good ones. I could see the look of relief on her face. One of the most irreverent of these was poundage: the heavier the patient’s clinical chart, the worse the prognosis. She had never been asked on a date and never attended a school dance or party. The dream about the wedding and the search for a changing room was, Penny thought, about her own bad marriages and her current attempt to change her life. Saul continued, “A couple of weeks ago I saw a book in the bookstore about the ‘imposter complex.’ It fits me closely. Throughout this period of rapid weight loss, another extraordinary phenomenon was taking place. Otto Rank described this life stance with a wonderful phrase: “Refusing the loan of life in order to avoid the debt of death.”. Biologically, our nervous systems are organized in such a way that the brain automatically clusters incoming stimuli into configurations. Very few men (though there were some) were brave enough to love me—everyone was terrified of Harry. I was afraid to go farther. And I guess I didn’t look at her very often, either. The best way to do that was to begin to ask the right questions and to discuss her pain in depth with her oral surgeon. By consulting three different doctors for her insomnia and obtaining from each a prescription for sleeping medication, she soon collected a lethal amount. In a soft voice Carlos asked, “So where does that leave me?”, “If what you really want now is closeness, then it’s time to take all this heat off yourself about finding a wife. Buy Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy (Penguin psychology) First Thus by Yalom, Irvin D. (ISBN: 9780140128468) from Amazon's Book Store. He looked straight at her and said, “I’ve thought about you every day for the last eight years! You have no doubts?”. “It was a couple days after the funeral, I was still taking off from school. Far from wanting to take back her freedom from Matthew, she had a lust for submission. Now you really know that he’s dead. One night he couldn’t sleep and heard some whispering from her room. He then addressed her pain by using an anesthetic technique. I never really believed it. I know she has been going through bad times, and I know that I bear the responsibility for that. Phyllis and I do have some communication problems, more than I really told you about last week. Gradually she despaired of ever having a true social life. We had done so well together, I couldn’t deal with the shame of coming back defeated.”. And in a whole year and a half you’ve never—not once—touched me? It’s not too much to ask—when we walked in Golden Gate Park, he almost sprained his ankle trying to avoid disturbing an anthill. Witnessing Carlos’s alarming weight loss reminded Betty of how, over a twelve-month period, she had watched her father shrink from an obese man to a skeleton wrapped in great folds of spare skin. Suppose we were able to write it a week from now? She had heard nothing from him since. If she could play all those roles, she must be the concealed, guiding intelligence behind them all. Too ashamed to invite any visitor inside, she tried at first to repay invitations by entertaining in restaurants. Now is the time you can make some real progress.”, “I don’t want to be in therapy any more. There was no time in my schedule, however, and we arranged another session in two days. Sudden dismissal with no reasons given—that’s exactly what he’s done to me! Marge’s face was frozen. Betty made it clear immediately that she hoped therapy would help her get to the point where she could seriously consider weight reduction, but she was a long way from that at this time. She stopped. There is almost no chance he’ll say what I hope he’ll say. Yalom, Sonia was my stage name when I was a dancer.”, She became Matthew again and continued. Try again. Betty informed me that she was twenty-seven and single, that she worked in public relations for a large New York–based retail chain which, three months ago, had transferred her to California for eighteen months to assist in the opening of a new franchise. To my great surprise, Carlos made excellent use of therapy; and after six sessions, we agreed to meet in ongoing treatment. “How did you decide to get into this field? The patient, who had been enumerating ghastly deeds committed by his tyrannical father, ended by commenting, “And he eats raw hamburger!” The interviewer, who had struggled hard to maintain his neutrality, was no longer able to contain his outrage, and bellowed back, “Raw hamburger?” For the rest of that year, the phrase “raw hamburger” was often whispered in lectures and invariably cracked up the class. I’m sure you’ll miss my little late-night calls.”. But the interesting thing is that all the side effects are greater today. After a few seconds, he said, “I’ll never destroy those letters.”, These words had an edge to them, the first signs of strain in the relationship we had been forming over the past six months. (Saul felt so defenseless in the face of others’ demands that he had chosen to remain single these last twenty years.) My good opinion of him meant a great deal. Wouldn’t psychiatrists rather work with younger people?”. Or Overeaters Anonymous, which might provide some social network? His self-depreciation took on Gargantuan dimensions. . It’s not sex—you’ve been saying that all along, and now I know you’re right—my penis can be completely soft. He said he had a bad back, but I knew him well for many years afterward and never heard him mention back trouble. In the streets, the black attacked me for my whiteness, and in school, the white attacked me for my Jewishness. Were these previews of coming attractions? I, who have always been hopelessly inept in a workshop, listened in fascination. As I tried to sort out my feelings, I realized that one of my first responses clamoring for attention was, “How can you do this to me?” Though, no doubt, my outrage derived in part from my own frustration, I was also certain I was responding to Thelma’s feeling toward me. Not only did it explain his defensiveness at work, but he could extend this “disidentification” model to pertain to his body. She tried to poke me into joining the fun. I fought to keep my equilibrium. Forty-five years? For two days I hadn’t been able to reach him on the phone, so I popped in unannounced at his office. Large folds of overhanging flesh broke off and were washed away. He had often joked about his own inconsistency. At our follow-up session it was apparent that her grief, which had been so gridlocked, had become more fluid. It was an effort for me to locate her face, so layered and swathed in flesh as it was. Should I remove my shoes and tiptoe about—all shrinks have a bit of the sleuth in them —till I found them, rip them open, and restore Saul to sanity with their contents? I’ll make it anonymous. So what? Elva nodded, her tightened brow showing that she was surprised at my saying anything personal about myself. I can see, I can feel the difference. I am grateful to my wife, Marilyn (always my toughest critic and staunchest support); to my Basic Books editor, Phoebe Hoss, an enabling editor in this as in my previous books at Basic; and to my project editor at Basic Books, Linda Carbone. Find a summary of this and each chapter of The Fault in Our Stars! Think now, for a few minutes, about your daughter. All my tension disappears. Do it! Usually she denied having any feelings, but sometimes she disarmed me completely by saying that she had felt very intimate that hour—an hour when I experienced her as particularly evasive and distant. Any failure to meet these goals was punished by denying himself part or all of his dinner. Dave was talking about something important, he was moved, he had become real, and the other members responded in kind. The idea of thirty-five more years of slender high- school-teacher paychecks was unbearable. That’s why I felt uncomfortable with her “somehow,” and so set about exploring it. A week later, I arrived at work one morning to find my door broken open, my office rifled, and the clothes gone. She was also struggling with many personal issues, particularly her painful sensitivity about her lack of education and her belief that she was intellectually inferior to most people, especially Marvin. But it’s very upsetting to hear him talk about remodeling rooms so he can display his various collections. Was he even less self-aware than I had thought? Never tried to find out. I believed that Marvin was entirely wrong when he said that sex was at the root of his problems; far from it, sex was just an ineffective means of trying to drain off surges of anxiety springing from more fundamental sources. I looked forward to seeing her and being with her. I’ve told you my psychiatrist joke (my friends love it)—first, your tenant, then your father, then they make you kill your dog!”, “So, I think maybe you overstepped your role as a doctor—I told you it would be hard to talk about this. Would Dr. C. think I was a slut? His sex life now was confined entirely to masturbating while watching rented sadomasochistic videotapes. If, on the other hand, we explored other themes, even such important issues as her relationship with Harry, she considered the session a waste of time because we had ignored the major problem of Matthew. They’ve nothing to do with reality! My great interest in Dave, my surge of curiosity and fascination, I knew whence it came: I was asking Dave to do my work for me. This was very strange since I adored the dreamer: I adored his courage and his scorching honesty. If I consorted with “Me,” it would be catastrophic for Marge: she’d become a bit player, a replaceable character. “You’ve been in great turmoil—so frightened that you’ve put this visit off time and again. It was everything else, the silent footsteps, the blackness, the sense of deep foreboding. This was the time, I thought, to open it wide, to debride it, and to allow it to heal straight and true. What a time to stop—in the midst of work on important issues and with Betty still camped outside the one-hundred-fifty-pound roadblock! It’s never worked for me when I’ve been in therapy. I escorted Thelma to the waiting room and Harry to my office. God, I hated those calls! Now imagine cans of dog food with labels marked ‘poison.’ You wouldn’t feed your dog poisoned dog food, would you?”, Once again, Marie and Mike locked gazes; and, once again, Marie smiled and nodded. Look at the whole issue of integrity—at his code of ethics. They were evil, awful people, especially one toothless old crone whose face reminded me of Susan Jennings. There is a long tradition in psychotherapy going back to Carl Rogers and, before him, to Otto Rank, which understood that a preset termination date often increases the efficiency of therapy. That was a transforming hour. During this time, Carlos was particularly helpful. (We are all stuck with some anxiousness about death. Matthew? Perhaps the letters might give me additional leverage. Afterword [by the author]: On rereading Love's executioner at age eighty. She could not remember the dreams except for two recurrent ones that had begun in adolescence, shortly after her father’s death. So we changed our focus. But the patient has a right to expect fidelity during the hour. Remarkable dreams! During her four years of illness, many courses of chemotherapy had prolonged her life but left her, each time, bald and agonizingly ill. Chrissie had had dozens of painful bone marrow extractions and so many bloodlettings that finally there were no more veins to be found. While the belief in personal specialness provides a sense of safety from within, the other major mechanism of death denial—belief in an ultimate rescuer—permits us to feel forever watched and protected by an outside force. I’m interested in the problem you’re struggling with, and I think I can help you. Would it help Dave to see that image? It’s just that simple.”. You’ve elevated him to a superhuman position. Does anyone, do I, want to invest time and energy in a project of such evanescence? That hit her very hard. Some believe in the merits of the enterprise and devote their careers to ever greater nosological precision. 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