Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. If you were married for ten years of longer, you will be eligible to collect derivative Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse's earnings record when you reach retirement age (if you aren't married to someone else at the time . At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. house, kids, American Dream. } Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. You choose to leave now leave me alone. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. According to multiple reports, the singer has requested to dismiss his divorce case against Princess. I feel like my life was a road that led to a sudden precipice that I could not see that I fell into it or perhaps I was pushed into it, by the man I loved more than any other and I am still falling. The marriage deteriorated. There is so much I can be happy about now. We are none of us any one thing. It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. Then the shoe dropped. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. I feel so sad that we will never be a family and it must be awful for the kids but what can you do. "text": "Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. I truly hope in 2018, I can have a clear mind and an open heart. It is just there. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. As time goes on, there are less and less bad days, and more good ones . I feel completely abandoned and alone. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Please Click Here to Read Legal Disclaimer Before Utilizing this site. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. I will never finally get over it I suppose. Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. You really cant talk to anyone about it. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. She got healed from the pain of leaving her marriage, and by the time they came back home, she was mentally prepared to start dating again since all her hurts were healed. In the past 5 years I have gained more confident. He moved on quite quickly and as soon as got his girlfriend dropped our kids. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. It affected my relationship with my children. The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. And, you can still love someone else, in spite of what you feel for her. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. It hasnt been that long. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. Toughing it out. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. We have two daughters, one who has special needs that is 24/7 high acuity care, and Im angry. It just goes down and down. Sorry, but I needed to share. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. But the pain of all of it never really went away. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. Great article!!! It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. Ive been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will. Excellent article. The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. I think that is because i still have a relationship with my ex not with him but with my refusal to let go of him. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. Can you be completely happy after divorce? As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. Best artical I have read on divorce. I never realized you could love to much. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. "@type": "Answer", And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. My heart is breaking. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? I am not sure of what to do. Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. If she's been married 10 years, I've been separated/divorced for 10 years. "@type": "Question", Grieving Your Old Life They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. I accept it. Thank you for this article. It truly has broken my heart. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. I dont believe staying together for child sake. Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. }. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. Peace to you all. I became a shell of a person. I can relate a lot with you. { But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. I also have no contact. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. It will only increase the hurts and pains which will also affect your health. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. I miss her greatly . All Rights Reserved. It's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad and to talk about it and to ask for a hug. Divorce Hangover: Pain That Won't Stop You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. The day before what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary he sent me an apology for the way he treated me, and brought up the anniversary I cannot think why as he was married to her, so why mention it. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? 22. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. But growing up an orphan and homeless, I have always wanted to create a nuclear family. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Youre getting something out of it or you would be healing and moving forward. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. 0. Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. Agree. Good behavior towards your ex will help you overcome the heartbroken experience that you have had all along for a long time. I am happy for her and my kids to be having a good life but it still hurts to be left behind. Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. Believe me, I've gotten my share of wide eyes of surprise when I say that I'm not interested in dating. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. I have moved on and with a new partner. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? Nothing was ever going to be enough. Ive remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. 6 In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. Why rock my boat. In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. I have fallen in love again after my divorce. They touched upon painful feelings, paranoia, debt, and loss of friends. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. people say you should be over and done by now . But, I was wrong. Youre allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. ", Thank you for sharing.