I told him I heard him doing that and I told him if he ever did that again I would divorce him. Enjoy your life as my dear friend you only go around once. He will once in a while hold my hand for about a minute and always gives me a peck on the check before he goes to bed. I hope to eventually meet another same sex partner willing to take her time and see what works. Am I ugly? You need to find a woman who respects you and wants to be intimate with you on a consistent basis. It is not fair that I have to take care of it by myself! She may not understand the first time around, but if you keep trying, perhaps shell understand the need to maintain a balance between her roles as a mother and a wife. You need to talk to her and get to the root of whats causing her panic and anxiety whenever she gets close to you; when she feels comfortable and that whatever major issue there is, gets resolved, maybe your sex life will return. Thats a humiliating feeling. The LW sounds like a loving and considerate husband. But we didnt know what we had. Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. Regards Glenn. We never had sex before marriage and on our wedding night he rolled over and went to sleep. That is love. Nerves responsible for pleasure become less prominent and less sensitive. contrasts what my Wife and her 7 siblings and and an unstable Mother made her as the oldest have us take in 2 of her brothers early in our marriage. I try to get used to it. You have your wife, intimacy is so much better than busting a nut and orgasming, why does this make us feel better? U have no choice but to leave!!! * So, lets be clear. If your wife thinks she may have vaginal atrophy, I hope shell see a knowledgeable doctor or pelvic floor therapist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan that can alleviate her discomfort. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. Yes, life is complicated indeed, but I dont believe there is a season for sex and then not a season for it. Grab Now! If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support herwithout making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. Youre the only one here who gets the dynamic. If his wife refuses to explore solutions he will need to tell her the following. We cant really talk about it because the very subject causes her great depression because she feels like its all her fault and that she is failure as a lover. Dear, dear men, Should I ask her what our sex future will be? He is 69 (as am I) and weve been married 39 years and for him sex is a thing of the long past! Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. It was even suggested I try penile injections at bedtime so I can at least get hard for her pleasure. After all of that, the thought of intimacy at night becomes almost like another chore, says Gopa. Life is way too short! I would suggest you try these because they will increase your natural produce of testosterone without the side effects you mention. I hear you sister, I am only 52, husband is same age. We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. Then I find out shes got four different boyfriends. I appreciate the fact that my wife has stayed with. I am fairly attractive and I. Ive tried scheduling, bringing in sex toys, texting, dating, hugging and cuddling in bed you name it. My 20 year marriage imploded because my husband completely lost his testosterone at age 55. She NEVER asks but will tell me I can have it whenever I want. That had bee. Sounds like case of no money no honey. It literally changed our lives. . I chose to stay just to piss my wife off. We may as well sleep in separate beds at this point. I understand that kids, work, and home projects can weaken your, As your wife pushes you away, you might feel tempted to use porn, but porn robs you of genuine desire for your wife. One of the top sexual concerns women have is feeling self-conscious about their own bodies during sex. I am sorry I stayed, but life, illness, dementia parents and a son kept me in this sexless marriage. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. There is only so much I can fantasize masturbate and flirt. I certainly feel your pain and utter frustration. Pretty graphic stuff. I need love that bad to hang on to a partner that never wants sex? I feel very blessed, because my gynecologist put me on low dose hormone therapy. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. I am fine with him pleasuring himself and even using porn is fine. Our mouths and fingers still work! Yes it seems so mechanical and cut and dry the way some men are, so no sex is much more appealing. Here's her full guide to overcoming the sexual avoidance cycle, plus how to support a lower-libido partner. Is this the same advice you would give a man that is in a sexless marriage? He shows no interest or emotional desire to engage in sex or affection. Ever again. Finally someone is pointing out this is not a divided hate forum. It will resotre his body as well and make you hapoier. When we had our kids he was so mad because the babies got attention from me and thought when home they should take back stage. I said I am a human male and I have basic needs. You need to know. The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants. However, unless you know why your wife is avoiding sex or any forms of physical intimacy, you wont know what you need to work on. I found a wonderful woman gynecologist, and she put me on low dose hormone therapy. our belief of *how* we should act and behave . I was not going to reward her or fall into another hug with nothing more than a few seconds of holding, and then a push off. I cant stop thinking about it. My current wife was 49 and I was 54 when we met and sex was twice a day for over a year, When she proposed to me, I raesoned that she was a good friend and sex was more then satisfactory, so I accepted. We went to separate colleges and this was before cell phones and computers. Look, not to give your hubby a pass here, but please, understand that most men in our country, we who were raised in the 50s. I used to ride, but geez that gets old and is still a problem because of the size and lack of hardness. Hello David, Then we got married and had kids (not that I regret) but 20 years of pulling teeth juts to get touched or even desired really hurts. We try vaginal sex sometimes but even lubing doesnt help all that much. She always had 2 orgasms before me. Life is complicated at every age but I think as people age, hormone levels drop of course and the baggage of decades gone by begins to weigh heavy on both parties. But many times women holds back based on how they are treated. a great career in media..She seems to have lost interest in ME. It is a great resource for relationship help. Laura. She even stopped expressing affection such as hand holding, goodbye kisses, etc. Think of the biblical verse Ecclesiastes 3. Isnt going to happen. I have tried joint with promises of renewal and never worked. lol. Invariably, its a case of emotional intimacy missing. Dear Joan, Lame! I had suggest different ways to have sex and she blew up, I was bored and suggested maybe trying different ways, right away I was a pervert and she called me names that shouldnt be repeated here and kicked out of bed. I never signed up to be married and not getting sex. Recently, he has been distant unloving and disrespectful towards me. I guess. I love her. Why would he ever have too? What is the point of being married if there is no intimacy? Shes always saying how bad she feels about it but but never offers to do anything. This so frustrating at times. Here are some reasons that your wife might never initiate getting intimate with you in the bedroom. I think my wife [67] realises that with my having ED she no longer has any potential competition so isnt obliged to have sex because I wont be strayingand I dont want her to feel obliged,thats as bad as no sex,so the answer, literally, is in my own hands, my husband has done too many drugs and cant get it up its been six years i need sex. So my question to the men here. Its is not your role. I am aware of the risks, and am more than willing to live with them, rather than go back to how I was before. Answers where we can talk about it or Im busy right now. But, as we have read many time here, that it is OK for the woman/wife to force her husband into a sexless marriage. Of course mine wont go to a therapist no matter what so apparently the problem will persist. . We have no children. Let him know, with passion and love, that you miss *that* him . I wish I could be fulfilled without sex, like many women as they age. Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. Hmmm. I love him more than the day we were married many many years ago. Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? And yes thank goodness for self stimulation but what I wouldnt give for a womans touch!!! Here are some things that you can try if you want to get intimate with your spouse. If it wasnt for this site I would had forgotten that the word sex even existed! I have never been a man so I cannot empathize with a man. When the support isnt there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. I think that the advice to seek a trained sex therapist, and the encouragement to increase communication between this man and his wife is appropriate and excellent. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? Hasnt been for 15 years. As if I was only there as a sperm donor. The first step toward addressing this oft-tricky issue is to understand why your wife is acting distant and avoiding being intimate with you. Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. Or does it not matter what the man wants? Try to keep things fun and adventurous between the sheets so that your wife is unable to resist you. This kind of if the man would only be more __ advice saturates the internet and its usually written by people with degrees instead of wisdom. The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out, says Gopa. Thank goodness we get along well in every other area, however Im at a loss. So these women that men here are complaining about, it may just be the attraction towards the man is gone! Ive been married three times and my third wife is the number one compared to the first three. We have been together since the 80s and there is No ONE else I want to be with. If thats the case, try to build a successful relationship after cheating; own up to your mistakes, have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and assure her that its all in the past. I have not had an affair because, well, thats just not me. so I started to do it. We started dating in high school and never separated. My husband never had my love of sex. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. but you most certainly are putting up with it, by acquiescing your role in your own home and your role as the male in your relationship. If you deny one you put a wall around the other. I went through marital counseling before the wedding. Get a better paying job so she doesnt have to work her butt off. Dear, PS Bishislife, We werent intimate back then, and a quirk of fate brought us together recently. Tall. Always happy to help. My wife has offered to let me move on, the problem is I love her and everything else about our relationship. Two lovers need boundaries to choose their path. My 76 year old husband has not. Hell go out and get what you can as long as its safe and mutually desired. I fear I will never know physically intimacy again in this marriage, I keep holding out hope, which is why I stay. My wife will listen to my concerns about sex, but will not take hormone supplementation because of the science which indicates it can cause cancer in rare cases. None the less partners have to also accept it is something you dont get used to or get over. But if he cared for me a hug would be nice. Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. Fix it. I dont want and will not ever get a divorce. To see my wife go direct to the Phone on the first morning home and second morning home was very upsetting. He then sits and reads for hours on end. At least the replies here seem to reflect this, noting that the opposite can and does happen. I am utterly fed up with being in the friend zone or occasionally doing it with what might as well be a sack of potatoes. In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . 10 years of this and going on5 years since last try, dont sleep in same be, snoring medical issues up down. Leah 09. Gopa explains how it can be detrimental to your physical intimacy. 3. Another way to improve lack of sexual desire is to change things up in the bedroom. My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health. Step out of your own hurt feelings and into her world. my dad is 85 years old and my mom is 5 years his senior at 90 years old. Cheating just isnt in me. I was going to say you lucky lucky bastard., Maybe let her pick the sex partner and she may want to be a side participant in it, could always ask : ), Its been13 years no sex for me.lbeen married42 years..her phone and internet are more important than me. 1. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. 5509 W. Gray Street, Suite 100Tampa, FL 33609(813) 222-8300, Copyright 2022 Family First, INC. All Rights Reserved.Site Design by Design Extensions, 4 Things to Do When Your Wife Wont Touch You. They have cheated on us with themselves and their selfishness! Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay, and stop being selfish! We are all misogynistic pigs that just need a hole for our poles. When having sex she has to do most of the work especially when it takes him 45 minutes to get hard and all she wants to do is go to sleep because tommorow will come before she knows it or if one of the kids wakes up because they couldnt sleep or they are sick. Fundamentally, it comes down to 3 choices: leave, cheat, or suffer. It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. Wow. I read this with interest. You were something new, mysterious, independently confident, self-respecting, self-motivated and unpredictable. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. If your wife seems distant, take a step back to analyze where you may have gone wrong or why you feel like she cannot trust you again. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses. Sex is supposed to be for the mutual benefit of both partners, not one person using the other. Nothing physical. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). I wish she would just go away and never come back, shes got just about everything I own. That was pretty much the end of a normal sex life, He had a horrific childhood, beatings, a suicidal mother (she cut her wrists in front of her children), infidelity on both sides. Her duty? she tolerates oral sex only minimally due to some sensitivity she can never explain. Only your wife herself can tell you the exact reason why she's not interested in having sex with you. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? I guess I must count my blessings. So in summary, WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION? For the writer of this letter/question . I dont even bother to talk to her (all she does is whine and complain). In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. You have grown as a human being . But each night i rub her feet and tickle her thighs..she just lays there ..and I go out and sleep in a recliner. Wow wish my hubby was so attentive as you! The thing thats in the way the most for me ISNT all the atrophy, the breast surgery, the continuing oral chemo therapy, the fatigue that I have. Men listen carefully If your wife stopped having sex with you after marriage she will NEVER regain that desire for you. I actually stopped having sex with her last night because she told me to hurry up. I like cuddling. NO! This is relevant for anyone with anxiety about their body (which, unfortunately, is true for the vast majority of women), but it may be particularly relevant for women as they age, go through childbirth, or simply experience changes to their body over time. Whether male or female, each of us made a promise to love and honor our partners either through marriage or by living together. I do most of the household chores, she doesnt work outside the home, and hasnt since weve been married i constantly compliment her looks,I have been striving for decades to woo her, and sex is now completely off the table, and she wont even cuddle or kiss. Ive been led to believe Im the selfish one for thinking of leaving just over sex. What to do about it: Learning to love your own body is a personal journey, so this isn't really something you can fix for her just by giving her compliments (though that can certainly help!). Id like to hear how you feel. not someone to basically jerk off into. There is some offensiveness directed towards men but I can benefit from your observations. Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. But dont give up! Nope. After menopause she lost interest in sex because of vaginal atrophy. Addie,maybe we should trade spouses.lol.im in the same boat you are.i love to get intamate and hug and kiss and cuddle.my wife 0.unreal.she told me the other day she dont even like sex anymore after we had it.how nice to say that.unreal. Post-menopausal sex, for many women, is a meal offering little flavour or nutrition. Its like shes ashamed of her vagina. Also from a masculine point view primordial guttural sex that is still controlled contributes to female orgasim. In fact, according to WebMD, there are multiple causes that will negatively affect the sexual desire in a woman. But the giving up on relationship and each other is what happens. (Side note: why do women get to have multiple organisms?). Mayo clinic advises to avoid, because they are not FDA approved and because they didn;t go the pathway of long term human trials are to be avoided. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. No sex for about 20 years. If your wife has recently lost interest in sex, it might be tied to her feelings about her body these days. But maybe if shes willing to try your weekly sex date again, she might find that once youve aroused her, the mood sails in. * LEARN WHY DEFINING THESE VARIABLES IS IMPORTANT: // Replace PAGE_URL with your page's canonical URL variable Its not all about sex its about intimacy, and that is missing. As Gopa points out, the reasons can stem from resentment to communication gaps or personal issues. . Just told her I wasnt going to follow all her B.S rule and moved out of the bedroom. may have led to years of unsatisfying sex, and the longer youre together, the more nervous she may be to bring it up. I dont have many helpful things to add but I am getting on with life, there is more to do than sit around wallowing in sexlessness. Try a new sexual position, make more of an effort to engage in foreplay, or introduce new outfits or props into your sex life. I have tried everything too, to no avail, things only get worse, not better. We must have sex or blow up, not a choice. He is overly stressed from work. Men are not mind readers. Joan Price is the authorof several books including The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 andthe award-winning self-help bookNaked at Our Age.Visit Joans blog, Naked at Our Age and herFacebook page. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus. Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. On the flip side, it could be that your wife suspects you of infidelity and hence has lost her trust in you. No, I should say male divined WRONG! I have been married for 40 years this coming July. If your wife never initiates affection, its time to take the pressure off. Nothing before marriage, nothing on our wedding night and little to nothing for the next 46+ years. If not he should go on in it. Shes sorry, but I love her and say its ok. Now masturbation does not work so well. I desire foreplay and intimacy, not just intercourse. Marriage vows are till death do you part. Though she died quickly sex was never discussed and I can assure you my marriage was a bed of rock. The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. I am male. When a wife who has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry, pick the kids up from school and take a couple of classes she is too tired to perform another task after all that she has done in one day. Its like he just doesnt think about it ever. Suggest to her that she will have control of the situation. Marriage, at its core, is a compromise that trades each partners strengths to make both better off but at a cost. So the thing I hate hearing but rings true is once in the no sex zone you are not coming back in to it. I remember when certain words did the trick. I mistakenly intercepted several text She has very little interest in penetration. Turns out childhood trauma caused me to have an attachment disorder which in turn caused subconscious intimacy anxiety which would then cause me to suffer from severe sexual dysfunctions which turned out to be unfixable. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. Think back to the time when you were dating. If men put in as much energy they put in sneaking around spending money on hookers and put all of his energy on his wife by taking 50% of the household chores and helping his wife out with the kids and having him spice up their sex lives you will see more action in the bedroom then before as long as you are sweet and loving towards her you will always get lucky.